Now, everything is as it should be, and it has always been as it should have been.
I remember Steve Jobs, speaking clearly on aging and being older; that one connects the dots of the seemingly in-congruent choices, radical osmosis of youthful exuberance, of near death experiences and most importantly - really stupid financial decisions. All of which accumulates and is the sum of your present perfect situation.
Looking back at my insignificant time here on earth (26 years is really a short timeline in the grand scheme of the universe) i am no different from when i started this adventure, i still cry, poop and eat... But everything else is different. I think it was Heidegger who said the eyes are the window of a Man's soul, i don't know if that is true, but when i look into the eyes of the many people I've had the privilege of coming into contact with, i see a brightness, even the dark ones who live in romantic tragedy. They all have that same glow, just like the day they were born.
People intrigue me, they always have. I remember when i was a child, i used to just sit in silence and watch people. I didn't say a word to anyone, i would just look at them. That unnerved a lot of the adults and I always wondered why. The call to question existence and everything in it, took over my life when i was in secondary school, and that kinda got me in immense trouble with the teachers. I remember losing interest in school altogether by the time i took my O'levels. I just couldn't buy the notion that numbers on a certificate, would dictate my life's direction. It seemed stupid at the time, and really,.... it still does.
A measure of a man lives is in his ability to create, not in his ability to regurgitate information. That shaped how i would lead my life. Of course i was not able to comprehend life then as i do now, but i made choices that were fascinating and enriching to me, even if it got me into trouble in this society i live in. The trouble, simply fueled my passion to philosophize further and dwell into spaces my peers never touch nor knew about.
Outcast and misunderstood, i loved my journey of solitude; the days i spent in parks by myself, not going home, but sleeping under trees were the happiest days i can remember. The vast amount of time spent on thinking and writing, were invaluable. Looking back, I could have got a job, done more school work, made more money, but spending time being a hobo taught me more, then any class or course.
Now, life is clear, my direction is paved and my visions are slowly but surely crystallizing. I've stepped on toes, broke countless promises and disappointed too many people, in this journey, and i know that hampered many things, and for that i am sorry. Cause the fear of expressing my wisdom, and relying on self will were battles i lost daily. The repercussions of which are still echoing in my life of which i embrace, surrendering to karma.
But today, i experienced the uncanny sensation of looking at my own eyes, and seeing for the first time, a child. Observing him, and a-washed of feelings of being under my favourite tree, notepad in hand, and a smile on my face. Today i died, as i will tomorrow, and the day after. No different from the day i started to the day i end.
It's all good.
:)
