Afraid to Blink in Case I lose the Sun

In a small thumbnail, the size of a nail head. The smallish nature of this system, I am starting to notice my hollowness. Why I approach certain situations with pride, and reach for affection when I am rejected?

 I wonder, if could it be my fear of being stood upon - my competitive reprieve? I do not have much gumption to hold myself that highly. I am nothing in comparison to many others, when a faculty is called into juxtapose.  

No special place of my design.

Secluded I stand in the mean-time. The truth staring at me head on, with grotesque’s blood stained eyes- I cannot avoid. It’s my time to face up to choices of consequence I didn’t calculate. How one action/inaction affects the whole? It sits in wait… it knows I will fuck up, but my lack of expertise and knowledge/experience is a testament to my fatalistic ignorance.

I shall be so vain, helpless and in a deep addiction to covering my tracks. I am tired. I never knew, I never surfaced. My jaundice of natural wisdom, pleads a cleansing and nourishment away from a hedonistic whim. A form, a function of purity leasing me more time to move this machine into an archaical form. A new being perhaps, or the same old, with new clothes this may somehow ceases…or not.

Not chastising but an understanding.

 

My confluence

All i know is my life started with a breath, a sweet intake of air, of the cosmic consciousness into my very essence. How I came to be, i have yet to understand, however who i am today is a pale reflection of the love that has brought me this far. Not to sound melodramatic, but i have received and given this force called love as i have embraced my shadow of fear and repression.

A duality i still struggle to find a center to. I have seen others who move to the beat of their own drum and i am almost always inspired and in awe. The courage to follow and express what is inside of them, despite the constant distractions of challenges - gives me hope. To me these folks are filled with a wisdom very few posses and even fewer seek. It is not obvious who these people are as they are always humble and blend in with the rest, but they have a presence and aura unmistakable to a master.

I have also witness the drones who walk this earth, with faceless passion and ambiguity disguised as knowledge, with righteousness in their ignorance, and they used to fill me up with incredible sadness. I was way too young to understand the undertow of society's perpetuating force of displacement and deconstruction. Now i understand I am also one of them, not separate but actually am one of the "sheeple"...

Yet that has always been a tug, a constant itch in my gut, that is trying to wake me from my slumber and breathe the sweet air once again. Sometimes i listen, but on rare occasion. The bulk of my activity has been gear towards my own personal gain. The food for the ego, the fodder of my collapse, chokes me and i can't stop over-eating the rubbish. Every time i move away, i get drawn back in deeper and more stuck. I am a spiritual bulimic.

I know intellectually the Ying and Yang, the embracing of the duality will be the death of my ego and through the centering of my vibrations i will be in peace and love. I understand that manifesting that is the only purpose and the only truth. Everything is as it is, and that beauty lives in the perfection of the symbiotic relationship of waves transposed as matter caused by the electromagnetic fields called consciousness.

I get it...

Up here, in my head:

But to experience that in my essence, is a different matter all together (pun is intended)

I see the strings, i feel the confluence and i am starting to move to beat of my own essence.

I am flowing to places and experiences, new and brilliant.

And i am thankful..."My reflection wraps and pulls me under

Healing waters to be bathe in Brena

Guide me safely in worlds i've never been

To heal me, heal me, my dear Brena

Vulnerable

It's all right

Heal me, heal me, my dear Brena

Show me lonely and show me openings

To bring me closer to you, my dear Brena

Vulnerable

It's all right

Opening to heal...

Opening to heal...

Heal..."

Lyrics from Brena

~ A Perfect Circle