Smoke Screen - Odyssey

A strange urge grows within. A seminal truth I am not sure quite to believe. Is it a moment of clarity or deception? A smoke screen thats bright and clear but shielding me from the perfection of the abode?

I am Loved?
I am Free?
I am Clean?
I am unloved?
I am bounded?
I am soiled?

Trust the Sun and the Moon.
My mystic totem, hears my truth,
of what is still, a contained secret kept from me.

I am tired of this reality, I am tired of me. This is not a depression, but an underlying conversation I have with myself. In all innocents, I do not know any truth, just concepts of this existence. In which it's covered depths I have barely scratched , let alone explored. This odyssey is internal and eternal.

And I am afraid.

Hapless

"I like her because she smiles at me and means it."

Missed?

Chances are I am missed, but missed; a play of words that confuse.

I am “missed” that which, some other thinks about me and my essence, feels a connection, or lack thereof.

However I am “but missed”, is surely a cast aside; thrown away toy that has been thoroughly used but with an attached memory and youth.

That leaves me with no control what so ever, maybe except that I am still here.

“What you save is what you lose out in the end”

An Ending Journey

A loss seems to be a gain sometimes. No poems here and now just honest truth.
My time to just bare it all. A shock and rude awakening that always seem to plague my life. Always when I'm climbing and striving, a moment changes my path instantaneously.
I remember a poem which i wrote when i was 15.
A phrase that stands out in my memory.

"God you give me strength, just to have me fall, so that i will have strength to fall again."

This time round, God, she interferes with my progress. A behemoth decision for a little waywardness, can only happen for divine reasons. But I'm quick to open my crown and see what it means and what impact it has. A sadness of an idea which made so much sense. It's amazing how a moment changes everything.

What i used to love, is left behind and this chapter is closing, however it is not fully shut as yet, but its almost there. And i am loving every single moment. My awakening is unfolding before my eyes. My journey of this foundation is almost at its end. The new journey of exploring who I am is about to begin and it will be intense, beautiful and sublime.

I just need to be patient with who i am. And let it flow.

A Symphony Loves

Our love was a Symphony of pure nature;
I thought would never end.

Silence ensues on its stage....

An email I recieved about a Boy named Shay.

Two Choices
What would you do?....you make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its
dedicated staff, he offered a question:
'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection.
Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do.
He cannot understand things as other children do.
Where is the natural order of things in my son?'

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'

Then he told the following story:

Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball.
Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?'
I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play.
The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning.
I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt.
I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart.
The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.
In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.
In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.
In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.
Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?
Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the
plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.
The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.
The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.
As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over.
The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.
Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates.
Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first!
Run to first!'
Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.
He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!'
Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.
By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.
He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.
Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third!
Shay, run to third!'

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'
Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team

'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

AND NOW A LITTLE FOOT NOTE TO THIS STORY:
We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate.
The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.

If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you're probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren't the 'appropriate' ones to receive this type of message Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference.
We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the 'natural order of things.'
So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice:
Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?

A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.

You now have two choices:
1. Delete
2. Forward


May your day, be a Shay Day.

Alone Time

When all is quiet and I am alone,

I can't help but smile.

Free and subtle.


I find space to breathe, reflect and absorb.

To spend time with myself, is the easiest and simplest joy i have.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Urgency vs Uncertainty.

Where has it gone.....
Time i mean.....

Antiquity.

I have to rush....

Stuff to do.....


Enjoy the graph....
START NOW.

Perfectly Still and Content

I sit here in my office, alone yet perfectly still and content.
My mind wonders to my past.

All the faces, all the laughs
All the mazes, all that was tough

The wonderment of my choices
how it makes all the sense now

And a sigh ensues

The music sweeps me to a place i have forgotten
To the space i used to sit silently

A distant memory of a darken room
The adolescence at home of me in my past years

There i sit alone yet perfectly still and content
My mind wonders to my past

And a sigh ensues

I am overwhelmed, a gentle vibration comes and he speaks.
Intently I can only hear and understand

A gentle wing holds me close
A whisper, floats to my senses

In this moment I die again
As I am born in the next

Only memories i hold, a sum of memories in which i am mold

Herein my end, alone yet perfectly still and content
My mind wonders to my past.

And the last sigh ensues