eye - i - aye.

It's often too late to reconcile, myself from the history i have left, never in any regret for anything; No - "perhaps it could be different"; nor "if i did this, everything would have been better".

Now, everything is as it should be, and it has always been as it should have been.

I remember Steve Jobs, speaking clearly on aging and being older; that one connects the dots of the seemingly in-congruent choices, radical osmosis of youthful exuberance, of near death experiences and most importantly - really stupid financial decisions. All of which accumulates and is the sum of your present perfect situation.

Looking back at my insignificant time here on earth (26 years is really a short timeline in the grand scheme of the universe) i am no different from when i started this adventure, i still cry, poop and eat... But everything else is different. I think it was Heidegger who said the eyes are the window of a Man's soul, i don't know if that is true, but when i look into the eyes of the many people I've had the privilege of coming into contact with, i see a brightness, even the dark ones who live in romantic tragedy. They all have that same glow, just like the day they were born.

People intrigue me, they always have. I remember when i was a child, i used to just sit in silence and watch people. I didn't say a word to anyone, i would just look at them. That unnerved a lot of the adults and I always wondered why. The call to question existence and everything in it, took over my life when i was in secondary school, and that kinda got me in immense trouble with the teachers. I remember losing interest in school altogether by the time i took my O'levels. I just couldn't buy the notion that numbers on a certificate, would dictate my life's direction. It seemed stupid at the time, and really,.... it still does.

A measure of a man lives is in his ability to create, not in his ability to regurgitate information. That shaped how i would lead my life. Of course i was not able to comprehend life then as i do now, but i made choices that were fascinating and enriching to me, even if it got me into trouble in this society i live in. The trouble, simply fueled my passion to philosophize further and dwell into spaces my peers never touch nor knew about.

Outcast and misunderstood, i loved my journey of solitude; the days i spent in parks by myself, not going home, but sleeping under trees were the happiest days i can remember. The vast amount of time spent on thinking and writing, were invaluable. Looking back, I could have got a job, done more school work, made more money, but spending time being a hobo taught me more, then any class or course.

Now, life is clear, my direction is paved and my visions are slowly but surely crystallizing. I've stepped on toes, broke countless promises and disappointed too many people, in this journey, and i know that hampered many things, and for that i am sorry. Cause the fear of expressing my wisdom, and relying on self will were battles i lost daily. The repercussions of which are still echoing in my life of which i embrace, surrendering to karma.

But today, i experienced the uncanny sensation of looking at my own eyes, and seeing for the first time, a child. Observing him, and a-washed of feelings of being under my favourite tree, notepad in hand, and a smile on my face. Today i died, as i will tomorrow, and the day after. No different from the day i started to the day i end.

It's all good.

:)

Personal Fumigation.

Is this life really a mystery?

This new bubble of unfolding consciousness, imbued upon this makeshift matter, brings a syncretic conundrum. "My Organic form, versus my capacity to weave life's intrinsic energy flow". I dwell too much on the innate spirituality, mind scopes of philosophical epistemology's and i have seemed to miss my sensuous motion of my physicality. I speak truth when i say, i don't feel much of anything anymore...

In retrospect, i am moving towards a new "numb", a feeling i have yet to fully experience. It is interesting to observe myself in the daily struggles and postulations from my Oedipus complex... (damn you Freud!) Hitting the books again is a beautiful ugly, from Sartre to Heidegger back to the tenets of the Integral. My mind is consumed with new array of patterns, and this cognitive kaleidoscope feels like an acid/LSD cocktail.

Not a wisdom found, but through the nihilistic approach, everything simplifies, deconstructs and brings a new wonder. Looking at my life in general, nothing has changed yet everything has... I am not hungry for anything anymore, (maybe plants) but i feel i have stopped growing and have hit a plateau. The walls are higher this time and i can't see where it ends. I have observed it, walked the length of it and sat in hope of a bulldozer tearing a hole...

The walls are nothing but stone, hard and gray. I feel it's callous cold and i wonder out loud. "where am i?" I have explore the depths of my mind, sat in meditations for hours on end and the summit of the stone face leads me back to my physical form. Seeking to know where, my root Chakra, my Muladhara, the grounded-ness of my set organic make up is currently at, leaves me with only one conclusion.... i don't really fucking know.

I have never really cared, for my physical form. This supposedly temple of mine has been abused, and left decrepit. So maybe to climb the wall is to tend and garden this body of mine. A journey i have put aside and left for other pursuits. I am not lazy, i just didn't see the point. Managing the flow, of life's beautiful landscape is now a physical journey. *sigh* I don't have that youthful passionate verve to rebel and lay waste to the dogmatic rituals many aspire to. This body is tired, so i will bring a new understanding for it's limits just because i can, not because it makes absolute sense nor it's benefits enticing me with new dimensions of awareness.

I miss my Minerva, the epoch of artistic endeavours only known to those who find solace in the temple they own and carry. I knew that once... a long time ago. I seek that ladder,to climb this wall. My next stage of evolution is physical, and a word of warning to you my "ego"... Bugger off and let me do what i will.

I See Your Smile.

I see the smiles on the screen, and i wonder if it is all real, not the disjointed reality i see. Are you really happy with all, or is that just a captured moment of fleeting bliss? Cause i see you differently, i see your anguish, i deal with your pain; so how can you smile and seem like it isn't there? The worst of each of us; somehow i know, lives in our smile.

Your eyes seem heavy, like dark pearls closed by the oyster's shell, shielding the truth. I stare into them and i get lost, the psychic maze shrouds me over and i somehow feel safe. Like the stain on a used sofa (wine remanence of a happier day, of memories of sullen faces but bright eyes) of a material so comfortable and broken in.

The antiquity of my memory, shows all the hidden pain behind all those eyes, with smiles on faces - the quiet fear, the mistaken portrait of contentment reminds me why i am here. I am that face, i am that smile, those eyes belong to me just the same. A mirror, a screen, a window; all i see is my pale shadowed reflection, screaming silently. Me with sullen face, curled down lips and that antagonized frown, but seeing with bright bliss filled eyes. I know the honor, the pride of staring at one's own soul and it staring back at me.

With that, now i know; that birth of a star, of that galaxy born within us, and i will never be the same. My breath has been taken away, so has my immortality and it's alright. I now understand what it means to be human, apart and away from my soul. That i have learned from staring into your eyes. I see your sorrow, but its okay, your smile protects you. But only with you, i can flow away.

Afraid to Blink in Case I lose the Sun

In a small thumbnail, the size of a nail head. The smallish nature of this system, I am starting to notice my hollowness. Why I approach certain situations with pride, and reach for affection when I am rejected?

 I wonder, if could it be my fear of being stood upon - my competitive reprieve? I do not have much gumption to hold myself that highly. I am nothing in comparison to many others, when a faculty is called into juxtapose.  

No special place of my design.

Secluded I stand in the mean-time. The truth staring at me head on, with grotesque’s blood stained eyes- I cannot avoid. It’s my time to face up to choices of consequence I didn’t calculate. How one action/inaction affects the whole? It sits in wait… it knows I will fuck up, but my lack of expertise and knowledge/experience is a testament to my fatalistic ignorance.

I shall be so vain, helpless and in a deep addiction to covering my tracks. I am tired. I never knew, I never surfaced. My jaundice of natural wisdom, pleads a cleansing and nourishment away from a hedonistic whim. A form, a function of purity leasing me more time to move this machine into an archaical form. A new being perhaps, or the same old, with new clothes this may somehow ceases…or not.

Not chastising but an understanding.

 

A Hope and Reason.

I find myself locked at this two seemingly frail contradictions. To simply move away from hope, "There is No hope" to a meaningful (reason) life. I guess, to much of my life has been spent on hoping, of faith and the universal flow.

What is Hope?
I struggle, yet i connect so succinctly with the word. Is it a means to my end? A strategy born out of false notions, like a fever wanting to break without the necessary medications? Beneath it, stems a hollow fear of not becoming, of not succeeding.

My devotion to a quest of ease and simplicity has all but left me as of now. I stand as a man doing his best, becoming what is needed to adapt to the harsh environment set forth by the quintessential struggle - The struggle within.

I sit alone, without hope, just with pure grit; i now realize my path, the stamina needed to journey and i am unfit. What is left is my wit and my reasoning. Is it enough? The lack of hope brings me to my knees and i pray. This time not for hope and peace but for the strength to Be and Do what is important.

"I have a dream" similar to other idealist and patrons of universal love. To extinguish the harm and tyranny of this environment we have collectively created. To build a new reality over the old. To achieve visions and experience unbeknown to many - only the few. To live in harmony and in the beauty of the moments of my life. A journey i've seemed to have forgotten this last few months.

So in turn, i cringe at the effort needed, the devotion expected and the means i know i must gather - to further my being, to expand my constraints. A new found sense of compassion for my dwellings and hindrances.

I have grown and learned a great many things this few months and i am stronger for it. Not of hope but of devotion and reason. Hope is dead. But in a good way. For i seek nothing, just to be born from my nothingness.

Look, Find, Free
Unlearn Me.

Our firmest convictions are apt to be the most suspect, they mark our limitations and our bounds. Life is a petty thing unless it is moved by the indomitable urge to extend its boundaries.

~Ortega y Gasset

Shuddering, I flow into me

It besets me incredibly, how easy it is to turn away; to sit in silence and shut the noise around me out. The same system one uses to meditate - a humbling act, bringing growth with the destruction of noise of the symptoms bellowed by the masses.

Hollowing out my essence and replenishing the old with the new, seeking new growth, to step to new heights, the thirst is awakened. A tragic emancipation, fastidiously manufactured by a new set of jaded past. It overwhelms me with a new Peace.

I Judge me and my surroundings with a new found love. A quiet inhabitant I never knew existed (or at least forgotten) takes me over. I live with moments only known to me. At last I am comfortable and broken in.

No Shadows

No shadows, just snippets of peaceful dwellings.
I seek to seek naught
Serving as best i can and letting gravity take over.
I sense no struggle - simple acceptance

There is "Nothing" to Get
Always be there, this place i live in.

Enjoy, "what is"
Sublime

Y

A new rhythm emerges. It's lyrics speak close to who i am.

"I am not ashame of who I am today."

A single insight, perpetuated by guilt, stems from a moralistic judgment, somehow taken off tangent. No harm, no foul as they say. My agenda for today is the same as it has been for awhile, to step up and create the reality i want for myself. No easy task, but a grand vision nonetheless.

I stop and look, i find and i see, i breathe and i move, as i sit here and ponder an existence profound. I'm ready for the rivers to wash over me. I awake, knowing where i'm going, knowing what i have to do. No incessant hurry, no magical fuel, just a love for my people, a step a day i journey to my oblivion.

A life unified by the mind, body and spirit; the trinity of discipline impeccability i reach but do not touch. My dreams seemingly unattainable at this moment, i hunger for the need of not needing. An abundant truth scarce in nature, i bring my all.

Trusting a divine who has stop speaking cryptically, but with new urging, sending me forward to sights unseen, to realms of disproportionate frailty and a luster of passions sent by friends indeed. Spurred onwards to the now, i value my insanity, my courage under fire. Solid soliloquies of agape and eros, bemuse my heart.

Till all is done, my rest will have to wait.
As i come around.

Completion.

Tis, Complete.
Tis, Time.
Tis, Me.

"Each man has his own vocation. The talent is the call. There is one direction in which all space is open to him. He has faculties silently inviting him thither to endless exertion. He is like a ship in a river; he runs against obstructions on every side but one; on that side all obstruction is taken away, and he sweeps serenely over a deepening channel into an infinite sea. This talent and this call depend on his organization, or the mode in which the general soul incarnates itself in him. He inclines to do something which is easy to him, and good when it is done, but which no other man can do. He has no rival. For the more truly he consults his own powers, the more difference will his work exhibit from the work of any other. His ambition is exactly proportioned to his powers. The height of the pinnacle is determined by the breadth of the base. Every man has this call of the power to do somewhat unique, and no man has any other call. The pretence that he has another call, a summons by name and personal election and outward "signs that mark him extraordinary, and not in the roll of common men," is fanaticism, and betrays obtuseness to perceive that there is one mind in all the individuals, and no respect of persons therein"

~ Emerson.

How could it be better then this?

Like a confused picture, i hold my views of my life in check. All sentiments of hope is thrown out the window. I am back to where i have begun. This journey has come full circle, almost to a completion. The old replacing the old. Nothing new, except more equipped and wiser. So few understand my plight, my incessant joy of the challenge, the struggle.

Carlos Castaneda said it so brilliantly,
"The spirit of a warrior is not geared to indulging and complaining, nor is it geared to winning or losing. The spirit of a warrior is geared only to struggle, and every struggle is a warrior's last battle on earth. Thus the outcome matters very little to him. In his last battle on earth a warrior lets his spirit flow free and clear. And as he wages his battle, knowing that his intent is impeccable, a warrior laughs and laughs."

My life as so far, been an endless struggle just to survive, to live and build my dreams, to have others be free and empowered, to dance and play, to be serious and corporate, to simply explore the depths of me. It never ends and i want to be someone that "Lives" not just surviving and merely existing.

But at this juncture, i feel the lowest i have ever been. Everything seems crumbling around me. This alienation is bewildering. I feel lost and confused about so many things, and my future is dark and unclear. I know what i want, but the new question which is what scares me the most, is; how do i reinvent myself to get there?

Reinventing the fabric of who i perceive myself to be. Have I been so megalomaniacal, that i forgot that i am just a space, an energy to do as i please, to create as i see fit? That i am nothing more, than my intent and the conversation in my head? Have I sought answers to questions yet defined?

Who am I?
I am simply, "I am".


JUST A DROP IN THE WATER.

So i guess thats what I'm to be, do and have.
1. Explore
2. Breathe
3. Love
4. Create
5. Enjoy
6. Write
7. Bliss
8. Appreciate
*Random Order*

Farewell my readers/friends.
You are my everything.

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”

~ Emerson

My Fabric

Ok, enough about my struggles, It time to talk about a revolution.

The closest ideal i hold in my fabric of me, is a movement of people who care about the world and all that is precious in it. A hope, a faith that the tide will turn and the destruction and needless suffering ends. A distant memory of our tumultuous history, a disgust the next generation will wipe clean from their contemporary reality.

Wake up and speak only truth.

For our time is now.




Too many people dying
Too many people starving
Too many people homeless
Too many people being abused
Too many people sick
Too many people exploited
Too many people who hate
Too many people broken
Too many people lonely
Too many people given up
Too many people tired

Because there are;
Too many people who don't care.