Gaia sleeps in my room.

Nature...

Wonderful is, the fallen leaves ellipse of her potted clay gray skin. I stare longingly into the green, on the edge of her yellow captured wing, of; plant named werewolf. She sleeps with the song of release, in her covered mildewed pillow. I cover my hands over her gentle silk, and feel for the first time, it's texture. Cold, akin to leathery skin i hold, in my being.

It speaks, without words as her stem moves me callously towards a gentle peace. I sense its whispers, calling out Prometheus, Prometheus, Prometheus. I shudder as she weeps into the cold dry night. Nothing i can do, as she sleeps and dreams of the wilderness, playing amongst the wolves - as i catch fish in the humming stream.

Alike ulcer the god; she feeds from me, as i let my brow drip into her bowl of dissolute, salty Garth. What is left is the false Jesuit second son, righteous and magnified ab-solvent it takes all nourishment's from, moving the soul, placid with zen waters - the self, loses the self as it grows without accomplishment.

Hurried into a hove, a concave shaped misspent hove. Cylindrical like a symphony frozen at it's crescendo, the architecture exemplifies nonchalance and stuttering ambiguity. All within a smog of aura, choking me into spasms of heavy coughs. A fractal seed, drawing me into it's surrounding perceived emptiness.

Regression hits me, with dirt particles at my precipice of thought. Hypnotized and in a stasis, i plough through this egoless, energy - holarchy; bringing me to the beautiful sky in my mind, where nothing exist through an existence filled with past memories. Hard is it to smile and find that inner label of nirvanic joy. I cringe as she blooms. Her flowers seed me, flagrantly in my entropy. I burst inwardly, the implosion berates me further into nothingness.

I stand still.

She the plant, the flower, the soil, the seed, the colour, the smell, the essence, the thought, the reflection, is perfectly whole and dear. I cherish my plant. For she is werewolf, and i am the sun. Now and forever, today and tomorrow, the chain and the ball, we dance - till the end and beyond. Sweet and magnificent, she kills me with esteem joy... and i love her for it.

Personal Fumigation.

Is this life really a mystery?

This new bubble of unfolding consciousness, imbued upon this makeshift matter, brings a syncretic conundrum. "My Organic form, versus my capacity to weave life's intrinsic energy flow". I dwell too much on the innate spirituality, mind scopes of philosophical epistemology's and i have seemed to miss my sensuous motion of my physicality. I speak truth when i say, i don't feel much of anything anymore...

In retrospect, i am moving towards a new "numb", a feeling i have yet to fully experience. It is interesting to observe myself in the daily struggles and postulations from my Oedipus complex... (damn you Freud!) Hitting the books again is a beautiful ugly, from Sartre to Heidegger back to the tenets of the Integral. My mind is consumed with new array of patterns, and this cognitive kaleidoscope feels like an acid/LSD cocktail.

Not a wisdom found, but through the nihilistic approach, everything simplifies, deconstructs and brings a new wonder. Looking at my life in general, nothing has changed yet everything has... I am not hungry for anything anymore, (maybe plants) but i feel i have stopped growing and have hit a plateau. The walls are higher this time and i can't see where it ends. I have observed it, walked the length of it and sat in hope of a bulldozer tearing a hole...

The walls are nothing but stone, hard and gray. I feel it's callous cold and i wonder out loud. "where am i?" I have explore the depths of my mind, sat in meditations for hours on end and the summit of the stone face leads me back to my physical form. Seeking to know where, my root Chakra, my Muladhara, the grounded-ness of my set organic make up is currently at, leaves me with only one conclusion.... i don't really fucking know.

I have never really cared, for my physical form. This supposedly temple of mine has been abused, and left decrepit. So maybe to climb the wall is to tend and garden this body of mine. A journey i have put aside and left for other pursuits. I am not lazy, i just didn't see the point. Managing the flow, of life's beautiful landscape is now a physical journey. *sigh* I don't have that youthful passionate verve to rebel and lay waste to the dogmatic rituals many aspire to. This body is tired, so i will bring a new understanding for it's limits just because i can, not because it makes absolute sense nor it's benefits enticing me with new dimensions of awareness.

I miss my Minerva, the epoch of artistic endeavours only known to those who find solace in the temple they own and carry. I knew that once... a long time ago. I seek that ladder,to climb this wall. My next stage of evolution is physical, and a word of warning to you my "ego"... Bugger off and let me do what i will.

Let Your Drummer Kick

In the midst of the pursuit of success, to be free from our fears and just trying to survive; taking time to breathe, to center oneself amongst the chaos has been a forgotten privilege. This microcosm of lifestyles we adhere too, what ever it maybe keeps us binded and trapped. We try to hard to have others like us, so that we can have the proverbial "pat on the back" that distant "Kudos" just to be admired in someway or another.

Self power is a disillusioned entity that lives in the self-help section of the many bookstores and libraries we visit. It is already within our grasp. There is no need to reach for it, to pursue that freedom all human beings long for. It is right here, right now - that tiny voice ever so quiet, urging us to follow the deepest calling, our truest vocation. To evolve, to expand, to be truly great only in our eyes is the most courageous act. To do what you truly want takes the greatest of courage. To stare fear, to look at society's pressures and say NO, i follow the music within, i step to a different drummer none of you can touch, will be met with extreme resistance, judgement and prejudice. Especially from the people who care most about you.

This life is indeed one big struggle, to evolve, and to be free.
Yet it is to be enjoyed...

So take time, if you want - to simply be still and quiet.
Listen to that small voice within.
Breathe and expand.
and let it inspire you.

Let your drummer kick.

"Why should we be in such desperate haste to succeed, and in such desperate enterprises? If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music in which he hears, however measured, or far away." ~ Henry David Thoreau

Let the drummer kick

Relations
Creation
Incarceration
Determination
Equation
Humiliation
Reincarnation
Situation
Elation
Identification
Retaliation
Education
Inspiration
No substitution
Solution
Conclusion

Let the drummer kick

Relations (Apollo had to break 'em)
Creation (It's a gift, a blessing)
Incarceration (What keeps you down)
Determination (What gets you out)
Equation (When they said you could make it)
Humiliation (What you feel when they say it)
Reincarnation (N-A-V)
Situation (Why we've got to sing)
Elation (So many in need)
Identification (Gives you the right to shoot)
Retaliation (What would it do)
Education (Gives you the right to do)
Inspiration (What pulls you through)
No substitution (No substitute)
Non-inclusion (Just got to bust through)
Drug infusion (For the chosen few)
Mass confusion (When they say that they died for you)
Delusion (Say that the dreams don't come true)
Solution (It can take a hold of you)
Conclusion

Inspiration (Is what pulls you through)

Let the drummer kick (Inspiration)

You don't even have to wait

Let the drummer kick that

~ Lyrics from "Let the drummer Kick" (Citizen Cope)

With Much,

The Kids Don't Stand a Chance

It's been quite a while since i last sat down and deliberated my life's path. The constant ventures, the moving of home and the grounding of my being in my personal growth has not dissuaded me from my callings, but has been a welcome distraction.

Now looking at the happenings in the world; even here at home, i feel drawn again to the battle; to the quintessential human struggle. Evolution has been a big word in the many realms of scientific and philosophical pursuits today, and already the esoteric's are calling this coming age (2012) the next stage of our reality - of what i truly don't know. But the cool thing is, i feel like i am part of that shift, that turnkey of which all will find it's place, and some sort of nativity will take place. (nope not in a christian sense, but of a spiritual plane that will move us internally)

My eyes take me back to that place, of despair and disillusionment. But this time, it doesn't feel personal, no anger and frustration in my core, instead a sensible calm, haha in fact a romantic sense of belonging steeps in. My wisdom has been uncovered, my tools are being sharpened and the process is leading me to the inevitable.

I remember reading a line from Ayn Rand's Fountainhead, about if any work is to be produced, it is mandatory, that is must come from within the deepest realm of the soul. "If anything is to be given, let it be your soul." A powerful resonance, that has shaped my life, recently.

So listening to a song today, (how god places great many things in my ears) i was brought back to my teenage years, the happy fight of protesting against the status quo, the rebel in me going against the grain, the questioning of formal authority and the dumb fucks that holds the system in place.

I smiled, and quietly chuckled. Naive, yet passionate. How good day's were, when we were young and stupid. :) Today however, i am back to the start, the end and beginning of that perfect circle. Wiser, mature and grounded in the realness of life's flow. More then aware of my flaws, and my pitfalls, i am complete and free...

Tomorrow is today and i am sleepy, and i know as i awake, the stirring in me will be expressed and i pray for the angels to lead me on. Cause if you really look at the world, and the behaviour of our species, you will be embarrassed and sadden by all the atrocities we have to fight and make better. Yes there are better people out there, but think about it. If we continue, or let continue what we have been doing and allowing;

Our Kids don't stand a chance.

I See Your Smile.

I see the smiles on the screen, and i wonder if it is all real, not the disjointed reality i see. Are you really happy with all, or is that just a captured moment of fleeting bliss? Cause i see you differently, i see your anguish, i deal with your pain; so how can you smile and seem like it isn't there? The worst of each of us; somehow i know, lives in our smile.

Your eyes seem heavy, like dark pearls closed by the oyster's shell, shielding the truth. I stare into them and i get lost, the psychic maze shrouds me over and i somehow feel safe. Like the stain on a used sofa (wine remanence of a happier day, of memories of sullen faces but bright eyes) of a material so comfortable and broken in.

The antiquity of my memory, shows all the hidden pain behind all those eyes, with smiles on faces - the quiet fear, the mistaken portrait of contentment reminds me why i am here. I am that face, i am that smile, those eyes belong to me just the same. A mirror, a screen, a window; all i see is my pale shadowed reflection, screaming silently. Me with sullen face, curled down lips and that antagonized frown, but seeing with bright bliss filled eyes. I know the honor, the pride of staring at one's own soul and it staring back at me.

With that, now i know; that birth of a star, of that galaxy born within us, and i will never be the same. My breath has been taken away, so has my immortality and it's alright. I now understand what it means to be human, apart and away from my soul. That i have learned from staring into your eyes. I see your sorrow, but its okay, your smile protects you. But only with you, i can flow away.

Life

Life...

Unexpected turns and random events seem to perturb the resolute routine i schedule myself in. It is unlike me to find a disciplined routine to churn out my daily deliverables, both to myself and the hordes of friends, clients and family - yet i do.

Life has somehow caught up with me, and i am for the first time in my life; feeling my age.

The rebel in me strengthens, but with a wiser head and with sharper eyes. I am starting to control my thoughts, and many a theory of mine are collapsing under the weight of intuition and emptying of my mind.

I am a Man.

It's funny how that strikes no cord within, "i am a man". What really constitute manliness? Muscles? The ability to provide for a family or independence from all parental support? Maybe none of the above, but it's distinction eludes me and is inconsequential for now.

I'm just glad to see all the people in my life doing well. A new place of my own... A different environment, a different approach to life and a different love in my heart - yet all still is the same. Nothing changed, just my ability to manifest what i want.

My dreams all still intact, a few i put on hold (practical reasons) but are still factored in my grand scheme of what is my future. No hopes and youthful brashness exist in my being anymore - in that i am relieved, but sad. My passion is stronger, my efforts doubled but that innocent swagger, the arrogant aloofness has dissipated into maturity. Now' choices take a much more deliberate form, and my battles are always picked instead of going against the grain, headfirst.

I don't know what is in store for me, the next 25 years, or will i live to see my 51st birthday. All i know is, i am here and now. This time here and now, holds all meaning and i am in the practice of exploring as many Milli-seconds i have in all of my present moments.

I am blessed to have the job of my dreams, to lead my own life as i see fit, and have all the ability and wisdom to create/manifest all that which is important to me. I know how much of a difference life takes on, when i devote my entirety to service and evolution, both of myself and to others.

So life...

I am so glad to see you well.

"Be a philosopher but, amid all your philosophy be still a man"
~ Hume

My Meditation.

my struggles leave me,
my movement stills

i sit initimately with my fear
i see it's face.

it's beautiful

as it's silence evelopes me

my mind relaxes
my breath smooth

my everything and my nothing

ensues....