The Kids Don't Stand a Chance

It's been quite a while since i last sat down and deliberated my life's path. The constant ventures, the moving of home and the grounding of my being in my personal growth has not dissuaded me from my callings, but has been a welcome distraction.

Now looking at the happenings in the world; even here at home, i feel drawn again to the battle; to the quintessential human struggle. Evolution has been a big word in the many realms of scientific and philosophical pursuits today, and already the esoteric's are calling this coming age (2012) the next stage of our reality - of what i truly don't know. But the cool thing is, i feel like i am part of that shift, that turnkey of which all will find it's place, and some sort of nativity will take place. (nope not in a christian sense, but of a spiritual plane that will move us internally)

My eyes take me back to that place, of despair and disillusionment. But this time, it doesn't feel personal, no anger and frustration in my core, instead a sensible calm, haha in fact a romantic sense of belonging steeps in. My wisdom has been uncovered, my tools are being sharpened and the process is leading me to the inevitable.

I remember reading a line from Ayn Rand's Fountainhead, about if any work is to be produced, it is mandatory, that is must come from within the deepest realm of the soul. "If anything is to be given, let it be your soul." A powerful resonance, that has shaped my life, recently.

So listening to a song today, (how god places great many things in my ears) i was brought back to my teenage years, the happy fight of protesting against the status quo, the rebel in me going against the grain, the questioning of formal authority and the dumb fucks that holds the system in place.

I smiled, and quietly chuckled. Naive, yet passionate. How good day's were, when we were young and stupid. :) Today however, i am back to the start, the end and beginning of that perfect circle. Wiser, mature and grounded in the realness of life's flow. More then aware of my flaws, and my pitfalls, i am complete and free...

Tomorrow is today and i am sleepy, and i know as i awake, the stirring in me will be expressed and i pray for the angels to lead me on. Cause if you really look at the world, and the behaviour of our species, you will be embarrassed and sadden by all the atrocities we have to fight and make better. Yes there are better people out there, but think about it. If we continue, or let continue what we have been doing and allowing;

Our Kids don't stand a chance.

I See Your Smile.

I see the smiles on the screen, and i wonder if it is all real, not the disjointed reality i see. Are you really happy with all, or is that just a captured moment of fleeting bliss? Cause i see you differently, i see your anguish, i deal with your pain; so how can you smile and seem like it isn't there? The worst of each of us; somehow i know, lives in our smile.

Your eyes seem heavy, like dark pearls closed by the oyster's shell, shielding the truth. I stare into them and i get lost, the psychic maze shrouds me over and i somehow feel safe. Like the stain on a used sofa (wine remanence of a happier day, of memories of sullen faces but bright eyes) of a material so comfortable and broken in.

The antiquity of my memory, shows all the hidden pain behind all those eyes, with smiles on faces - the quiet fear, the mistaken portrait of contentment reminds me why i am here. I am that face, i am that smile, those eyes belong to me just the same. A mirror, a screen, a window; all i see is my pale shadowed reflection, screaming silently. Me with sullen face, curled down lips and that antagonized frown, but seeing with bright bliss filled eyes. I know the honor, the pride of staring at one's own soul and it staring back at me.

With that, now i know; that birth of a star, of that galaxy born within us, and i will never be the same. My breath has been taken away, so has my immortality and it's alright. I now understand what it means to be human, apart and away from my soul. That i have learned from staring into your eyes. I see your sorrow, but its okay, your smile protects you. But only with you, i can flow away.

Life

Life...

Unexpected turns and random events seem to perturb the resolute routine i schedule myself in. It is unlike me to find a disciplined routine to churn out my daily deliverables, both to myself and the hordes of friends, clients and family - yet i do.

Life has somehow caught up with me, and i am for the first time in my life; feeling my age.

The rebel in me strengthens, but with a wiser head and with sharper eyes. I am starting to control my thoughts, and many a theory of mine are collapsing under the weight of intuition and emptying of my mind.

I am a Man.

It's funny how that strikes no cord within, "i am a man". What really constitute manliness? Muscles? The ability to provide for a family or independence from all parental support? Maybe none of the above, but it's distinction eludes me and is inconsequential for now.

I'm just glad to see all the people in my life doing well. A new place of my own... A different environment, a different approach to life and a different love in my heart - yet all still is the same. Nothing changed, just my ability to manifest what i want.

My dreams all still intact, a few i put on hold (practical reasons) but are still factored in my grand scheme of what is my future. No hopes and youthful brashness exist in my being anymore - in that i am relieved, but sad. My passion is stronger, my efforts doubled but that innocent swagger, the arrogant aloofness has dissipated into maturity. Now' choices take a much more deliberate form, and my battles are always picked instead of going against the grain, headfirst.

I don't know what is in store for me, the next 25 years, or will i live to see my 51st birthday. All i know is, i am here and now. This time here and now, holds all meaning and i am in the practice of exploring as many Milli-seconds i have in all of my present moments.

I am blessed to have the job of my dreams, to lead my own life as i see fit, and have all the ability and wisdom to create/manifest all that which is important to me. I know how much of a difference life takes on, when i devote my entirety to service and evolution, both of myself and to others.

So life...

I am so glad to see you well.

"Be a philosopher but, amid all your philosophy be still a man"
~ Hume

My Meditation.

my struggles leave me,
my movement stills

i sit initimately with my fear
i see it's face.

it's beautiful

as it's silence evelopes me

my mind relaxes
my breath smooth

my everything and my nothing

ensues....

Afraid to Blink in Case I lose the Sun

In a small thumbnail, the size of a nail head. The smallish nature of this system, I am starting to notice my hollowness. Why I approach certain situations with pride, and reach for affection when I am rejected?

 I wonder, if could it be my fear of being stood upon - my competitive reprieve? I do not have much gumption to hold myself that highly. I am nothing in comparison to many others, when a faculty is called into juxtapose.  

No special place of my design.

Secluded I stand in the mean-time. The truth staring at me head on, with grotesque’s blood stained eyes- I cannot avoid. It’s my time to face up to choices of consequence I didn’t calculate. How one action/inaction affects the whole? It sits in wait… it knows I will fuck up, but my lack of expertise and knowledge/experience is a testament to my fatalistic ignorance.

I shall be so vain, helpless and in a deep addiction to covering my tracks. I am tired. I never knew, I never surfaced. My jaundice of natural wisdom, pleads a cleansing and nourishment away from a hedonistic whim. A form, a function of purity leasing me more time to move this machine into an archaical form. A new being perhaps, or the same old, with new clothes this may somehow ceases…or not.

Not chastising but an understanding.

 

My confluence

All i know is my life started with a breath, a sweet intake of air, of the cosmic consciousness into my very essence. How I came to be, i have yet to understand, however who i am today is a pale reflection of the love that has brought me this far. Not to sound melodramatic, but i have received and given this force called love as i have embraced my shadow of fear and repression.

A duality i still struggle to find a center to. I have seen others who move to the beat of their own drum and i am almost always inspired and in awe. The courage to follow and express what is inside of them, despite the constant distractions of challenges - gives me hope. To me these folks are filled with a wisdom very few posses and even fewer seek. It is not obvious who these people are as they are always humble and blend in with the rest, but they have a presence and aura unmistakable to a master.

I have also witness the drones who walk this earth, with faceless passion and ambiguity disguised as knowledge, with righteousness in their ignorance, and they used to fill me up with incredible sadness. I was way too young to understand the undertow of society's perpetuating force of displacement and deconstruction. Now i understand I am also one of them, not separate but actually am one of the "sheeple"...

Yet that has always been a tug, a constant itch in my gut, that is trying to wake me from my slumber and breathe the sweet air once again. Sometimes i listen, but on rare occasion. The bulk of my activity has been gear towards my own personal gain. The food for the ego, the fodder of my collapse, chokes me and i can't stop over-eating the rubbish. Every time i move away, i get drawn back in deeper and more stuck. I am a spiritual bulimic.

I know intellectually the Ying and Yang, the embracing of the duality will be the death of my ego and through the centering of my vibrations i will be in peace and love. I understand that manifesting that is the only purpose and the only truth. Everything is as it is, and that beauty lives in the perfection of the symbiotic relationship of waves transposed as matter caused by the electromagnetic fields called consciousness.

I get it...

Up here, in my head:

But to experience that in my essence, is a different matter all together (pun is intended)

I see the strings, i feel the confluence and i am starting to move to beat of my own essence.

I am flowing to places and experiences, new and brilliant.

And i am thankful..."My reflection wraps and pulls me under

Healing waters to be bathe in Brena

Guide me safely in worlds i've never been

To heal me, heal me, my dear Brena

Vulnerable

It's all right

Heal me, heal me, my dear Brena

Show me lonely and show me openings

To bring me closer to you, my dear Brena

Vulnerable

It's all right

Opening to heal...

Opening to heal...

Heal..."

Lyrics from Brena

~ A Perfect Circle

Swing Life Away

I was browsing some sites i frequent and stumbled into an intrinsic question, which tickled my silly brain into some real activity (activity that has been stagnant for sometime now.) A harmless question that spoke and reflected my internal fears. I would like to approach the question with introspect, an added humility to my state of being. As its reality, poses a true test of character and perhaps poise of spirit.

"How many unwritten novels, unrealized campaigns, and brilliant ideas have never seen the light of day?"

A simple question; yet it probes malignantly at me, gnawing and taunting, cause it seeks a truth about our human condition, ultimately my own condition -

How many of us actually realize our dreams?
How many of us, even know what our dreams are?
(I have meet some people who actually don't even know how to dream.)

- we the majority fail.

Or do we?

I remember reading about "Mumia Abu Jamal" a few years ago, the ongoing struggle of the Black Man and him quoting Malcom X, "Don't be shock that i say, i have been in prison, we are still in prison". That's how i feel sometimes, this struggle; this life seems to enslave me further, the job, the relationships, the necessities of survival in this metropolitan society. It encases my spirit in a lackadaisical whim and i fold my cards, yes i fold, as it's what society expects anyway. Stop this childish dreams, focus on career, save money and settle down. Jeez... is that all that is to life?

Than i look deep within, the internal conflict of the longing of freedom and the purpose my souls calls forth - and i can't seem to find the balance between the three.

Freedom - Purpose - Responsibilities.

What a task, what a task...


I think it is a sick society we live in, where the Thais throw illegal aliens overboard to their deaths just because they have no space for refugees, dolphins are captured to provide sick entertainment, where; the powers that be, place little resources in keeping the masses educated and well informed, where to follow through on one's dream has to take a arduous path of self-sacrifice and frown upon as irresponsible.

How many unwritten novels, unrealized campaigns, and brilliant ideas have never seen the light of day?"

"Why do they always teach us that it is easy and evil to do what we want and that we need discipline to restrain ourselves. It's the hardest thing to do in the world - to do what we want. And it takes the greatest kind of courage." ~ Ayn Rand

We rob ourselves and each other from living full lives...


It is our responsibility to chase our dreams, it is a right of anyone to ask for support and help as it is our duty as a society to encourage and provide the resources to make all dreams reality. Leave no man behind. To evolve, we have to shift our thinking and lifestyles completely - cause we are at the edge of destruction. We have fragmented ourselves to a point of misunderstanding, confusion and self-loathing loneliness.

It's about time, and i hope, dearly hope that with Obama leading America, change will come. But as we all know it starts with me. It is difficult, with all the repression society, friends and family provide once we begin the journey. (those who have started, this includes self-sabotage - you know what i mean) Most of my closest friends are awakened to some extent and are on the path of significant purpose and i applaud them, for all the courage, blood, sweat and tears just to have their lives turn out. All effort is with a tremendous amount of heart and bravery. But i question this.

Why does it have to be hard?

I recently read about homeostasis and it speaks about a deep seeded resolve to continue the status quo on a very primal and subconscious level. I also understand this in the context of the mind - That change is unwelcome and if so, must be in very small doses. The discrepancy of new information or environment will almost always cause a violent rejection. To quote Arthur Schopenhauer.

"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident"

Therefore, change: if is not to be opposed has to come in small doses.

That brings me to me and my mortality. Being 26... a young man, with a pure heart, a clear mind and a passionate resonance of soul who seeks to uplift my own consciousness - finds beauty in the struggle. And i feel that is the point of it all, cause really there is nothing else to do....

The question, "How many unwritten novels, unrealized campaigns, and brilliant ideas have never seen the light of day?" is inconsequential. I think, a powerful question to ask is, "have i attempted pursuing and accomplishing my dreams and have i made life easier for others to pursue their own?"



"We live on front porches and swing life away We get by just fine here on minimum wage If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand."

~ Lyrics to
"Swing Life Away"
by Rise Against.